The following is a "note" from my nephew, Jeremy Henschen as posted on his Facebook profile, followed by my response. I just can't pass up an opportunity like this. His father (my brother) and I used to send great emails back and forth with this same tone. I hope (crosses fingers) that Jeremy will pick up the torch.
Abuse...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008 at 8:33am
It is an extremely sensitive subject… one that is always approached at its extremes… either too cautiously or too rashly. There is, of course, a middle ground… however it also is a type of extreme… approaching abuse too factually. I will try to avoid these three pitfalls as I step into the shallow end of an abyss.
Abuse comes in so many varying forms that it can be difficult to understand… define… or see. But it is often there… hiding from prying eyes. Emotional is one of the easiest to hide… along with mental (these two are commonly confused, but they are different). Sexual can go on for a lifetime and never be discovered. Verbal is a tricky one as well… you can see effects of it, but only if you are looking for them. Physical is the most difficult to hide… and possibly the most frowned upon of those mentioned… but they are all hideous in their own ways. And they all destroy. The most manipulative cowards will abuse the emotions… causing codependency and self-destructive habits… never-ending cycles which make the abused to go in circles inflicting themselves with the very pain that they despise. Forcing them to need to hurt. If you drain the soul of its energy, the body will quickly follow… like a plant without water. This is the result to the minds of all of the abused. If you are treated as worthless for a long enough period of time, you will see yourself as worthless—and not just see… you will KNOW that you are worthless. It is this thought that drives many to madness… true insanity… or suicide… and it also this thought that can drive the abused to become an abuser.
The only two reasons I know why people abuse are fear and hate. They fear either the person they abuse or they fear themselves… and it's the same with hate… they hate themselves or the person that they abuse too much to stop… too much to care to stop. Whether they hate themselves for abusing and then in their blind hate, abuse more… or they hate the other person so passionately… that they cannot stand to allow that person to be happy.
Many would say that the answer is simple: run away. As if that thought had never once entered the head of every single person who has been hit one too many times by their spouse, father, mother, relative, "friend"… but they're too afraid… afraid that their abuser will come after them (which they very well might). RUN AWAY?—as if the little boy who sits in his room crying every night because his parents tell him every day that he is worthless and hated, doesn't wish that he could run away… but he's only five. Where could he possibly go? Answers in life are never simple. We only like to say they are, so that those who are not experiencing something can pretend to know all the answers and pretentiously shove it in the faces of those who are going through it. But the answers in life are not easy. And neither are the questions.
It seems natural… to question something that is so unnatural. And, of course, we question the supernatural. "Why, God? Why do You let these things happen? Don't You care?" Of course, He does. He is the embodiment of caring. He CREATED caring, and then created you so that you could care and be cared for. "Then why don't you stop it? Why do you let this keep happening to innocent people?" Why, indeed. The same reason He lets you lie (you know you've done it). The same reason He allows people to steal and envy and curse whenever they want… because if He was regulating everyone, we wouldn't be making our own choices. And you know you want to make your own choices. You don't want to be a puppet… and He doesn't want you to be either. But the sacrifice lies in this… He loves everyone… and wants everyone to have the same freedom to make choices. Even if they're bad ones. Just as a parent must at some point allow their child to make the wrong choice because it is the only way that they will learn… or else risk controlling the child for so long that they cannot learn to function in the real world. As you must see, my explanation is sketchy at best… but how can you honestly expect me (or anyone else) to define and understand God's decision? I apologize, but that simply is not possible. I know that it lies in love… that somewhere… the answer really boils down to love… but I can't see how… I can't see where it comes down to that point.
All I know… is that the reason the answer is love… is because it is the answer that stops the abuse. Love of self for the abuser… enough to stop them from continuing to be a monster… love of their abused. And then from the other end… if the abused person… can find a way… to love themselves… despite the hatred that is pointed towards them everyday… that can be enough to find a way to stop it. Whether by means of intervention, escape… anything. And the only way to discover true love of self and love of others… is through the love of God… His loving you and your loving Him. I'm sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense… and I know I haven't covered even a fraction of a percent of the surface of this topic… and for that I am both apologetic and relieved. For those of my friends who have experienced (or even are experiencing) this… I cannot tell you how my heart breaks for you… and how much I love you… and as difficult as it may be to hear or comprehend or believe… please know I love you. Please know He loves you.
************** John's Response **********************
Sorry to be the negative Nancy here, but while the answer may in fact be love, love is also the cause of most of the pain in the world as well. Love is the cause of, and the the answer to, all of life's problems. (Homer Simpson claimed it was Beer, but he really, really loved beer.)
Some people love too much. Let me rephrase that... some people, who have an overwhelming feeling, may construe that feeling as love, when in fact it is a hormonal response and/or a psychological infatuation of a person, idea, sense of morality or any number of tangible or intangible items. This "love" as such, can manifest itself in innocuous ways or in ways that will change the very course of history. Politicians "love" of power. Bankers and money-changers love of money. Or notably, Gods love of man. For example 2 King 2:23-34. God loves his prophet Elijah so much that he calls she-bears out of the woods to tear apart 42 children who were making fun of him because he was bald. Now... perhaps I'm misunderstanding the true meaning behind this little life lesson, but the Old Testament God seems like he has anger issues. Nothing a little Paxil won't fix, but I mean really... bears killing children because they were making fun of his favorite prophet o' the day?
Love's a funny thing. God loves us all so much that he gives us his only son to die for our sins. But Jesus, in a rare moment of weakness, as he and his hippie friends hang out in the garden the night before the Romans come to take him away, asks his Father to please... please take his responsibility away... he, God, decides to NOT interfere this time and his Son goes off to the cross. Now, this seems a little odd to me. At one point, god would call bears out of the woods to maul children to keep Elijah from being harassed while he walked from point A to point B. But saving his only son, who ASKED to not be forsaken from this impending doom, was denied any help from Dad. Well, I guess there are some occasions where Parent(s) just need let their Children get hurt because otherwise... how will they ever learn? Now, as a parent of a 6 year old boy, I may not necessarily keep him from climbing onto the counter. I'll tell him that it's dangerous and to be careful, and that if he doesn't get down, he may fall off and get hurt. Secretly I may want him (just a little bit) to fall and get hurt so that he will learn his lesson and I don't have to keep telling him to get off the counter. BUT, if I knew that the neighborhood bully was going to get together a bunch of kids and nail him to the tree out back that's holding up the tire swing... I'd kinda feel the need to intervene. But God... this is the Guy who took Abraham to the brink and taunted Job like a cat that had a bunny trapped behind the woodpile.
Ahhhhh...... love. Even God seems to have a dubious relationship with the concept of Love. God loves us all so much that he gave us free will, right? Well... kinda. Right up until he decides that we just can't be trusted with our free will anymore and decides to start over again. "Hey, you! Noah! These idiots can't seem to grab their arse with both hands so why don't you go build an Ark... what?... um...its a big boat-like thing... yeah, really big... oh, and go grab a couple of sheep... stop chuckling, grow up... ya know what, go grab a couple of everything while yer at it."God then proceeds to vote humanity off the island. Well, after all that rain there are no islands for a while, but you know what I mean.
But let us bring this back to the heading of your note. Abuse. Everyone abuses something or someone. Abuse is only abuse when someone else cares about the subject of the abuse. To the abused, unless someone else informs them that what is happening is abuse, to them, what is happening to them is the only reality they know. Until someone with an alternate point of view says, "Hey, that's not right, you're being abused!" they know of no other way that the situation could possibly be. So, are they really suffering until someone TELLS them that they're suffering? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Of if we want to take this to the Bible, let's look at Adam and Eve. They were complete innocents. They had NO idea that they were naked and should be ashamed until they bit into the apple and suddenly, Holy Crap! We're naked! We'd better put on some clothes. They weren't ashamed UNTIL they were informed that they should be. Abuse is much the same way.
Yikes! It's almost 3am... I could go on and on, but it's far too late.
-- John
Abuse...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008 at 8:33am
It is an extremely sensitive subject… one that is always approached at its extremes… either too cautiously or too rashly. There is, of course, a middle ground… however it also is a type of extreme… approaching abuse too factually. I will try to avoid these three pitfalls as I step into the shallow end of an abyss.
Abuse comes in so many varying forms that it can be difficult to understand… define… or see. But it is often there… hiding from prying eyes. Emotional is one of the easiest to hide… along with mental (these two are commonly confused, but they are different). Sexual can go on for a lifetime and never be discovered. Verbal is a tricky one as well… you can see effects of it, but only if you are looking for them. Physical is the most difficult to hide… and possibly the most frowned upon of those mentioned… but they are all hideous in their own ways. And they all destroy. The most manipulative cowards will abuse the emotions… causing codependency and self-destructive habits… never-ending cycles which make the abused to go in circles inflicting themselves with the very pain that they despise. Forcing them to need to hurt. If you drain the soul of its energy, the body will quickly follow… like a plant without water. This is the result to the minds of all of the abused. If you are treated as worthless for a long enough period of time, you will see yourself as worthless—and not just see… you will KNOW that you are worthless. It is this thought that drives many to madness… true insanity… or suicide… and it also this thought that can drive the abused to become an abuser.
The only two reasons I know why people abuse are fear and hate. They fear either the person they abuse or they fear themselves… and it's the same with hate… they hate themselves or the person that they abuse too much to stop… too much to care to stop. Whether they hate themselves for abusing and then in their blind hate, abuse more… or they hate the other person so passionately… that they cannot stand to allow that person to be happy.
Many would say that the answer is simple: run away. As if that thought had never once entered the head of every single person who has been hit one too many times by their spouse, father, mother, relative, "friend"… but they're too afraid… afraid that their abuser will come after them (which they very well might). RUN AWAY?—as if the little boy who sits in his room crying every night because his parents tell him every day that he is worthless and hated, doesn't wish that he could run away… but he's only five. Where could he possibly go? Answers in life are never simple. We only like to say they are, so that those who are not experiencing something can pretend to know all the answers and pretentiously shove it in the faces of those who are going through it. But the answers in life are not easy. And neither are the questions.
It seems natural… to question something that is so unnatural. And, of course, we question the supernatural. "Why, God? Why do You let these things happen? Don't You care?" Of course, He does. He is the embodiment of caring. He CREATED caring, and then created you so that you could care and be cared for. "Then why don't you stop it? Why do you let this keep happening to innocent people?" Why, indeed. The same reason He lets you lie (you know you've done it). The same reason He allows people to steal and envy and curse whenever they want… because if He was regulating everyone, we wouldn't be making our own choices. And you know you want to make your own choices. You don't want to be a puppet… and He doesn't want you to be either. But the sacrifice lies in this… He loves everyone… and wants everyone to have the same freedom to make choices. Even if they're bad ones. Just as a parent must at some point allow their child to make the wrong choice because it is the only way that they will learn… or else risk controlling the child for so long that they cannot learn to function in the real world. As you must see, my explanation is sketchy at best… but how can you honestly expect me (or anyone else) to define and understand God's decision? I apologize, but that simply is not possible. I know that it lies in love… that somewhere… the answer really boils down to love… but I can't see how… I can't see where it comes down to that point.
All I know… is that the reason the answer is love… is because it is the answer that stops the abuse. Love of self for the abuser… enough to stop them from continuing to be a monster… love of their abused. And then from the other end… if the abused person… can find a way… to love themselves… despite the hatred that is pointed towards them everyday… that can be enough to find a way to stop it. Whether by means of intervention, escape… anything. And the only way to discover true love of self and love of others… is through the love of God… His loving you and your loving Him. I'm sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense… and I know I haven't covered even a fraction of a percent of the surface of this topic… and for that I am both apologetic and relieved. For those of my friends who have experienced (or even are experiencing) this… I cannot tell you how my heart breaks for you… and how much I love you… and as difficult as it may be to hear or comprehend or believe… please know I love you. Please know He loves you.
************** John's Response **********************
Sorry to be the negative Nancy here, but while the answer may in fact be love, love is also the cause of most of the pain in the world as well. Love is the cause of, and the the answer to, all of life's problems. (Homer Simpson claimed it was Beer, but he really, really loved beer.)
Some people love too much. Let me rephrase that... some people, who have an overwhelming feeling, may construe that feeling as love, when in fact it is a hormonal response and/or a psychological infatuation of a person, idea, sense of morality or any number of tangible or intangible items. This "love" as such, can manifest itself in innocuous ways or in ways that will change the very course of history. Politicians "love" of power. Bankers and money-changers love of money. Or notably, Gods love of man. For example 2 King 2:23-34. God loves his prophet Elijah so much that he calls she-bears out of the woods to tear apart 42 children who were making fun of him because he was bald. Now... perhaps I'm misunderstanding the true meaning behind this little life lesson, but the Old Testament God seems like he has anger issues. Nothing a little Paxil won't fix, but I mean really... bears killing children because they were making fun of his favorite prophet o' the day?
Love's a funny thing. God loves us all so much that he gives us his only son to die for our sins. But Jesus, in a rare moment of weakness, as he and his hippie friends hang out in the garden the night before the Romans come to take him away, asks his Father to please... please take his responsibility away... he, God, decides to NOT interfere this time and his Son goes off to the cross. Now, this seems a little odd to me. At one point, god would call bears out of the woods to maul children to keep Elijah from being harassed while he walked from point A to point B. But saving his only son, who ASKED to not be forsaken from this impending doom, was denied any help from Dad. Well, I guess there are some occasions where Parent(s) just need let their Children get hurt because otherwise... how will they ever learn? Now, as a parent of a 6 year old boy, I may not necessarily keep him from climbing onto the counter. I'll tell him that it's dangerous and to be careful, and that if he doesn't get down, he may fall off and get hurt. Secretly I may want him (just a little bit) to fall and get hurt so that he will learn his lesson and I don't have to keep telling him to get off the counter. BUT, if I knew that the neighborhood bully was going to get together a bunch of kids and nail him to the tree out back that's holding up the tire swing... I'd kinda feel the need to intervene. But God... this is the Guy who took Abraham to the brink and taunted Job like a cat that had a bunny trapped behind the woodpile.
Ahhhhh...... love. Even God seems to have a dubious relationship with the concept of Love. God loves us all so much that he gave us free will, right? Well... kinda. Right up until he decides that we just can't be trusted with our free will anymore and decides to start over again. "Hey, you! Noah! These idiots can't seem to grab their arse with both hands so why don't you go build an Ark... what?... um...its a big boat-like thing... yeah, really big... oh, and go grab a couple of sheep... stop chuckling, grow up... ya know what, go grab a couple of everything while yer at it."God then proceeds to vote humanity off the island. Well, after all that rain there are no islands for a while, but you know what I mean.
But let us bring this back to the heading of your note. Abuse. Everyone abuses something or someone. Abuse is only abuse when someone else cares about the subject of the abuse. To the abused, unless someone else informs them that what is happening is abuse, to them, what is happening to them is the only reality they know. Until someone with an alternate point of view says, "Hey, that's not right, you're being abused!" they know of no other way that the situation could possibly be. So, are they really suffering until someone TELLS them that they're suffering? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Of if we want to take this to the Bible, let's look at Adam and Eve. They were complete innocents. They had NO idea that they were naked and should be ashamed until they bit into the apple and suddenly, Holy Crap! We're naked! We'd better put on some clothes. They weren't ashamed UNTIL they were informed that they should be. Abuse is much the same way.
Yikes! It's almost 3am... I could go on and on, but it's far too late.
-- John
2 comments:
Ah, yes... I have (many times) come up against the problem of "love" and its multi-faceted uses and connotations. The problem lies within our language. The fact that "love" is an extremely general term used to describe many different emotions (notably ones that are indeed, NOT love). For example, lust. Lust is, indeed, the most common term for which "love" is used instead. I.e., a politician's LUST for power. A man's LUST for a woman he meets at a bar. Or saying, "I LOVED that movie!" Actually, you probably didn't. The movie may have excited you and caused chemical reactions that are similar to love, but not the same. You like the movie... but you don't actually LOVE it.
And, for the record, the Old Testament God (who is the same in the New Testament) did not have anger issues. First off, He sates, "I, thy God, am a jealous God." in Exodus 20:5. And He has every right to be (since He is, after all... God). He will defend His people as He sees fit and not. And as for God not interfering with His son's death... that was still out of love. Love for us. And while Jesus may have said, "take this cup from me", He also said, "not my will, but Your will be done." Jesus was WILLING to die and God knew that.
And as for abuse... just because a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, doesn't mean that the tree didn't fall (and for the record since sound waves still eminated from the tree falling, there was a sound). Abuse is abuse whether or not someone knows... or cares. God cares. And abuse is sin. The mistreatment of others is based upon sin... whether it be selfishness, hate, or anger... it's wrong. I concede the point that some people are unaware that they are being abused. But if someone were having their bank account drained slowly and were unaware of it, they are still being robbed. And as for Adam and Eve... being naked wasn't wrong until sin entered into the world. There was only one rule, but then when they broke it, God put many more rules (and also gave them a new emotion: shame). This came with the ability to know right from wrong when they ate of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It's not quite relevant because it's a completely different circumstance.
We could argue the semantics of love and abuse forever, couldn't we? We could also argue religion and philosophy with a little politics thrown in for fun. All of which would amuse me to no end.
Having a good idea of how you were raised, I believe I have a general idea of your religious views. I don't presume to know all of your beliefs. Since you probably have no idea what my beliefs are, I'll give you a general label to give you a starting point. I'd consider myself a general pantheist with a heavy dash of solipsism. Use that as a template to form your arguments against me. In a nutshell, I agree completely with Jesus when he said, " I am the light that is over them all. I am the All; the All has come forth from me, and the All has attained unto me. Cleave a piece of wood - and I am there. Raise up the stone and ye shall find me there." I couldn't have said it better myself.
And by the way, the tree falling in the woods comment is a direct reflection to my solipsistic tendencies. Mainly, if I wasn't there to see the tree fall is irrelevant because the tree doesn't exist at all unless I believe it does.
Probably the most important thing to know in arguing points with me is that I usually play devil's advocate. I ask questions just to hear the response, and usually not because I believe that the statement I made is necessarily True. The only thing I know for certain is that I Know nothing at all.
My biggest problem is that with all that being said, having a solid opinion on any aspect of what we may mutually agree upon as a shared reality is pretty much impossible. This predicament also makes it difficult to make a decision when ordering off a large menu.
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